Socially Performing

My mother had convinced me to attend a family member’s bridal shower in large part because she had assured me my brother would not be in attendance. The idea of a women’s-only social gathering was appealing. Both my siblings at a social event puts me on edge. They both have what I’m sure others would label “edgy” senses of humor. I think they both tend to be careless with others’ feelings. My sister would naturally be in attendance as one of the hosts. I had complimented her on the invitations and secretly thought it was quite impressive all the work she was putting in when she wasn’t even the maid of honor. Still, I was going to need all my emotional reserves to mask any discomfort and appear appropriately appropriate at all times. I also knew there would be other family members in attendance who caused tremendous stress. I did not need my brother to tip me over the edge.

Upon arriving at the house where the shower was being held, I parked at the bottom of the steep driveway and purposefully climbed the hill, determined to perform to the best of my ability socially. When I opened the door from the back porch and entered the kitchen, the first face that greeted me was that of my brother, a fake hibiscus flower behind his ear (the theme was lohau). It felt like my brain stopped working for a moment and froze. When it started working again, it registered that my brother was hugging me, thanking me for coming, and ending the hug with a small back rub that I wanted to end as quickly as possible. I wanted to melt down. I had been told this was not going to happen. I quietly asked my mom, who demurred that she hadn’t known he was coming until he’d shown up to the house with the bride-to-be. Later, I asked why she hadn’t texted me in advance; she responded with something about guests arriving and her elderly mother needing help with her food.

I made it clear that, going forward, if he showed up at events he wasn’t expected to be at, I expected to be notified so I could choose whether I still wanted to attend. Besides the boundary betrayal I felt it was, as I still am on very shaky ground with him, I was left feeling sad and confused. I had been told I couldn’t bring my partner. He is one of the only people who consistently validates my point of view. It felt unfair that my brother was allowed to crash the bridal shower, but I had been forbidden from bringing my partner. My mom had also told him not to attend. With only one male in attendance, it felt awkward. I had also been roundly scolded the night before regarding the importance of etiquette.  

I had felt severe social anxiety the week leading up to the shower and strongly considered canceling. I called my mother to inform her and was told that canceling would be in bad taste. I already knew this. I felt that she wasn’t considering my disability and instead was prioritizing the appearance of a happy, functional family. In the end, I did end up attending, but for a very strict amount of time (under 90 minutes), and I cried a lot on the way home. I cried because I was promised an environment where I could manage my emotions. I thought I knew what to expect. Not being notified signaled that my well-being was not a priority in that moment. Going forward, I plan only to attend family gatherings on neutral ground where I can easily leave. I also expect to be told ahead of my arrival (I was arriving late, and this had been pre-established) if someone I’m semi-estranged from suddenly attends. I also plan on explaining that I don’t want to be hugged. I have to not be in panic mode, though, in order to assert boundaries. I can only rely on myself for clarity.