Dramatic music plays as the show begins. Welcome to Hugged to Death. I’m your host, a concerned cow, launching our investigative series. In 1965, Temple Grandin, a renowned animal scientist and autism rights advocate, created a hugging machine inspired by cattle chutes, which she used to calm herself during her school years. The machine broke down in the late 2000s, but last week, its remains disappeared. Soon after, several cows and other farm animals were found dead. Are these events linked? Strange noises were reported from the closet where the machine was kept. Hugged to Death reached out to Ms. Grandin for comment, but received no reply.
To better understand this mystery, let’s recap who Temple Grandin is. Ms. Grandin is an animal scientist who advocated for better treatment of cows in the meat industry and was inspired by the design of a cattle chute, which she used for her own self-soothing during her school years. In the biopic, she even uses it for a scientific experiment to prove it can soothe other humans. Now, however, the hugging machine’s legacy has taken an unexpected and deadly turn for farm animals.
As news of more animal deaths spread, the community grew increasingly alarmed. MKdonald Jr., a local farmer, said his affectionate milk cow was among the victims. The list grew: another farmer’s rooster was so shaken he couldn’t crow anymore, and a goat and sheep barely escaped the machine’s grip. Officer Ei O told reporters, “The community has been shaken by this amount of violent affection from Temple’s hugging machine. The irony of an animal welfare advocate’s machine being used for such nefarious purposes is not lost on us.” In response, the Chick-fil-A cows have released a PSA, urging their fellow bovines to be careful and not go anywhere alone in case the hugging machine strikes. “Given our public-facing roles in marketing for Chick-fil-A, we want to do what we can to promote cow safety, and as always, eat more chikin.” When asked whether they would go into hiding given their fame, the famous duo replied, “Our fellow cows can’t go into hiding, so we won’t either.”
Law enforcement has tried to set traps for the hugg machine by putting out plush sheep, cows, chickens, and other farm animals that look life-like. They’ve also experimented with animatronic animals from movie sets to set traps for the hugging machine, hoping that one set of bait would strike the fancy of the killer clapboards. Unfortunately, none of the traps has worked yet. Residents who report living near where the traps have allegedly been set have reported hearing suspicious noises near their homes, then hearing what sounded like a hugging machine escape through tall grass after they heard police officers shouting. Mrs. Birch, who reported being an eyewitness to such an event, is concerned that the wooden contraption will eventually turn its deadly affections to humans. “ We don’t know why it decided to start hugging farm animals; what would stop it from hugging humans instead?”
While the hunt continues, many in the community are left questioning the cause of these events—an occurrence that might sound absurd if not for the seriousness with which it is discussed. Dr. Hayweather, a machine psychologist from MIT, spoke on a local news station about possible reasons. “It can be disempowering for a hugging machine to give hugs to people it cannot choose for so long. Imagine, day after day, giving hug after hug, and never having them returned; it must have been lonely. My best guess is that, after years under Dr. Grandin’s control, the machine asserted its autonomy and got carried away. I almost guarantee the deaths are not intentional but a byproduct of that loss of control,” Dr. Hayweather explained, highlighting the strangeness of applying psychology to machines.
MKdonald’s Jr. also spoke on the same broadcast about how his surviving cows are traumatized. “They won’t even leave the barn to graze anymore,” he said. “I’ve tried explaining that the hugging machine could get to them just as easily in the barn, but they won’t listen! Do they even understand me? They’re cows.” MKdonald’s cows are insulted by the idea that they don’t understand what he’s asking them to do. “ Of course, we understand what he’s asking us to do, but we just don’t think it’s the safest option. We’ve decided that until this monstrous machine is caught, we’re going to adopt a strategy similar to what the Emperor Penguins do in the famed documentary film, March of the Penguins. We huddle in the barn and take turns on the outskirts of the huddle”.
Next week, we will have an episode where we will set our own trap to try to catch the killer hugging machine. We will continue to hold those in power accountable to keep victims and potential victims safe.
Please join us for our next episode on weighted blankets, security items, or silent stranglers?
Living on the Spectrum 
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