I was asked recently how having autism had affected my ability to date and find romantic partners. If you had asked me when I was recently diagnosed I would have told you that autism was going to be a defining challenge in my ability to find love and sustain a long-term relationship. I went through a period after diagnosis, which I believe can now be labeled as internalized ableism. I viewed being autistic as a burden and as a challenge, which I still view as a challenge for myself today, but I view it as something that has advantages and disadvantages, just as anything in life is. Anyway, there was a period where I was able to link somehow every single bad thing that happened to me to the fact that I had autism. The reason people didn’t like me at work at times was because I was autistic, the reason I had trouble dating was because I was autistic, and I found reasons that autism had made my life worse. It took therapy and reflection to realize it was not as cut and dry as my internalized abelism told me.
Now I will be the first to admit that being on the spectrum makes interpersonal skills more complex at times. I think I had a hard time reading body language on first dates and knowing what the other person might have been comfortable with conversation-wise; I also believe that because I didn’t understand how I viewed the world entirely and where it came from, I could not articulate that very well to partners. I know that it frustrated the people I dated. Besides not being able to read often nonverbal cues very well, I also tended to see the world, especially in my early twenties, as very black and white; everything was right or wrong, and there was very little room for nuance, which has thankfully changed as I have gone older. As I think back to how I have navigated dating post-autism diagnosis, I do believe that the diagnosis helps me feel more empowered to explain how I move through the world and to understand that my brain had always been this way. All of my efforts in high school to study other young ladies and see how they moved through the world so I could learn their secrets was not a fruitful endeavor, and I needed to accept myself the way I was to get the most out of my life.
Dating is something that lots of different people struggle with. I have neurotypical friends who have dated less than I have, even though they would like to date. I know people with autism who say that the reason they are still single is because of their autism. For me autism is an integral part of who I am it is not the totality but it is what I would say is a large part of the pie. I guess the closest thing I might be able to compare my autism to is my spiritual/religious faith. Being a Christian is not the totality of who I am but it does inform how I view the world and others, etc. Just like I would not be able to say that the reason I was single was because I was a Christian, I wouldn’t know that the reason I was single was because I had autism. I think what people miss when they label something in their personality or in their humanity as a “problem” and blame that “problem” for all their disappointments in life is that often around our weaknesses or our opportunities for growth are our greatest strengths.
One of my weaknesses is that I get anxious if I don’t have a plan and one of my strengths is that I am very persistent in pursuing my goals. For people who view their autism as a weakness like I used to, I would encourage them to look at it in a way that is empowering. Sure, my autism made me have a host of quirks and struggles with nonverbal communication. It also allowed me to zero in on obscure hobbies I probably would not have had the patience for otherwise. I love the community of autistic adults I have found, and I love to learn and have these deep passions. If I were to not be autistic I would not be myself and I like being myself. I have also accepted that I need to work on specific social skills to be the best version of myself. Being single can be challenging, especially when you want to be in a relationship. Still, I encourage anyone neurodivergent or neurodivergent who is single and wants to be in a relationship to start with what they do well, to begin with, their hobbies, passions, and what brings them joy. Then, they can pick one thing they would like to work on at a time.
One of the things I worked on for a long time was my relationship with food and getting my eating disorder under control. That was something that I wanted to have a better grasp on before entering into another relationship but I am not saying that someone needs to have a grasp on an eating disorder in order to be in a relationship that was just the goal I had set for myself. Overcoming a mental health issue can seem daunting. It could be that you want to spend more time outside, you would like to socialize with more people in your age demographic, or even as simple as you would like to learn to cook a few new recipes. Once you have identified your strengths that help you feel good about yourself and continue to build on those, once you have identified one area for growth, find a way to work on that skill with other people. Maybe it’s joining a hiking group or taking a cooking class. It’s also a really good idea to join groups that do things you are already interested in. I don’t recommend this for finding romantic interests exclusively; I recommend it for everybody because we are increasingly lonely as a society.
For the longest time, I viewed dating as a way for you to find a future spouse, and I really missed out on the opportunity to just be in the moment and enjoy getting to know really cool people. Most of them were not going to be someone who I would marry in the future. We might not have even ended up going on a second date, but I could have been more open-minded and enjoyed the process. This blog post encourages anyone who reads it to enjoy life in the uncertainty a little bit more because we never know what beautiful things could be around the corner.
Living on the Spectrum 
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