Navigating Pain and Loss

I have yet to meet someone who is a fan of breakups. As someone who is now going through their fifth breakup, I would say I’m a fan of the growth and peace that is often on the other side, just not the pain and loss that always accompanies the first two. The relationship that has just ended I was in for almost a year and a half. That is the longest I have ever been in a relationship, and I’m proud of how I conducted myself in that relationship. In the past, when I look back at other relationships, I know there were moments where I could’ve put forth more effort, and I wonder if the outcome might have been different? This is a relationship that I know I gave it my all, and it just didn’t work out. Those failures are hard to deal with when what falls apart is outside of one’s control. Learning to let go and accept that hard work is not always enough to reach the desired result is a lesson I have been learning for decades. I will not be discussing what led to this breakup in great detail. Doing so would violate not only my privacy but the privacy of my ex-partner. The details of why I am now single do not interest me nearly as much as the discovery I look forward to as I go through this experience. I’ve been re-evaluating the goals I have and thinking about what I really want.

 I’ve had a lot of thoughts regarding parenting, and I’ve changed my mind once from wanting kids to being too afraid to have them back to wanting them. As my mental health has improved, I’ve realized that I want to be open to having more than one. I enjoyed having siblings, and those relationships have been so valuable. I want to be able to give that gift to my future children. I still would like to homeschool in the future or do a form of education that is an alternative to the public education system. I’ve started to think I’d really like to have a boy and a girl, not that I will get to pick which one I have. There’s always the fear after a breakup that I won’t be able to find someone else, that I’ll never get married, I’ll never have a baby, etc. I’m doing my best to focus on building the best life I can right now, and that’s all I can do. I might be someone who gets married and starts a family in my mid-thirties, but the truth is I just don’t know. I have confidence that having a family is in my future, but in the meantime, I want to enjoy my life as much as possible. 

The older I get, the more I realize we don’t get to do this life over. Each moment only happens once, and I don’t want to be so busy worrying about the future that I’m not enjoying what I have in the present. Another goal I have now that I’m single again is that I want to try different activities and discover more about myself. I am participating in my first 5k this weekend. I will not be running; I’ll be walking, but I’m still excited to participate. I want to try new board games, spend more time outside, etc. I know I’m going to have to date again in the future, and that is scary. All I hear is how awful the current dating landscape is in the corners of the internet. I do know that I’m in a happier and healthier place that will allow me to navigate whatever craziness life will throw at me. I am doing my best to believe that everything will be okay. I have moments where it’s harder to believe that everything will be okay. Sometimes the grief of what has been lost is so hard that I can barely breathe. I’ve cried myself to sleep, had nightmares, and am still dealing with the grief. Grief hits at odd moments. I’ll be calm and happy all day, then a specific memory of what happened in the relationship will pop up, and then I’ll be a puddle of tears. My life right now is navigating the highs and the lows, the grief and the joy. As I go on more adventures, I’ll keep you all updated on what I discover.