The pressure to represent

The answer is yes! I often feel pressure to be on my best behavior so as not to reflect poorly on my demographic groups. I feel the most pressure to represent well when it comes to being a woman and an adult with autism. I feel pressure to represent the autistic community positively because I feel as though there’s such a huge stigma towards the ASD community. In the best-case scenarios, I meet people who haven’t met a lot of individuals with autism and simply don’t know what life is like for us. I like that I can share my experiences and some experiences of my friends to widen their understanding. When there’s compassion, understanding, active listening, and genuine interest, I enjoy those interactions. I feel proud to be autistic and have the community I have. The downside is that these experiences aren’t the totality of what living as an autistic is like.

I feel pressure not to hold grudges against those who are ableist or just plain nasty to me because of my autism. I also feel that being a woman I’m expected to be accommodating, not accommodated (thanks Barbie Movie for that quote). An example for me is having to write appointment cards at work. Lots of customers feel that it’s appropriate to comment on the poor quality of my handwriting. I’ve been criticized for my handwriting since childhood. No matter how hard I tried, it still came out messy. It’s a sore subject with me and reminds me of how not meeting neurotypical standards due to my differences was held against me. Having messy handwriting becomes shorthand for a lack of character. In the minds of those who criticize my handwriting at work, it seems to denote laziness, lack of attention to detail, and carelessness for what elders deem important.

I let them hurt my feelings a few times and then started responding. After they would make a derogatory comment, I would look them dead in the eye and say “I know it’s not the neatest, it’s because of my disability”. These comments would get made in front of the customer’s spouse a good chunk of the time. Whenever I would explain it was because of my disability, the spouse who hadn’t made the cruel comment would widen their eyes in the horror of what their partner had said and rush them out of the office. It was confirmation that I wasn’t crazy for thinking they were rude. Whenever I talk to my coworkers or family members about how much those comments bother me, they say “Oh well so and so just doesn’t understand.” I don’t care if they understand why my handwriting is messy or not. There’s an old adage that if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything. 

I’ve also had a myriad of ableist comments at work, which I’ve been continually told to forgive. Ignorance seems to be the excuse of the day and covers a multitude of sins. It is not the job or priority of a marginalized community to educate others. Much as that point stands for communities like the black community and the LBGTQ+ community, so too does it stand for the ASD community. We are also not required to forgive the harm perpetrated against us.

I’m going to say this for those standing in the metaphorical back of the room: marginalized communities are busy surviving in a society not built for us. We do not have the energy to educate you too. Use your brain. Use the library. Use the internet. My disability is just as valid of accommodation as someone with a physical disability. Invisible disabilities are still disabilities. 

In closing, I know I can only represent myself and share my own experience (and those that my fellow autistics allow me to share with other people). I can’t help but want to represent my community well, so all I can do is do my best to stand for the community.