Hyper Fixations in Isolation

My ability to dive into topics and stay interested for weeks or even months has been a mainstay of my personality since childhood. My first special interest was marine biology. Living at least five hours away from the beach made studying the ocean in person impossible. I settled for watching documentaries and going to the aquarium. I loved watching one documentary in particular. They were studying whales in the Mediterranean Sea. Since this body of water is landlocked, there isn’t a place for the pollution to flow out into. They were taking fat samples and measuring the number of toxins the whales had consumed. The documentary was in Italian so I had to read the subtitles. All I wanted was to join an expedition and learn about the whales. This is still an area of study that I enjoy. I wouldn’t say that one hyper fixation was ever replaced, I just added more to the collection. Over time I dove into topics from the War of the Roses (the civil war in England during the 1400s), the orphan trains in America, WWII, and theology. The problem that I realized quickly was that no one was as interested in the topics I was and there was no one to talk to about what I was learning. All I wanted to discuss was who killed the princes of York in the tower and no one even knew who I was referring to. This has continued into adulthood and leads me to feel especially isolated in the workplace. 

Recently, I was bored and decided to read about the violence prevention program developed for Atlanta in the eighties and nineties. I also read an article regarding violence prevention in Chicago. I tried to share what I had learned in my readings and was told “ Some people are just criminals.” When I’ve tried to discuss the War of the Roses in the past with people a glazed look appears in their eyes. I don’t blame them. The murderous kings and queens from hundreds of years ago aren’t everyone’s cup of tea. I find the disconnect between what makes my brain come to life and what everyone else enjoys frustrating. Whether it’s fashion, reality tv, celebrity gossip, etc, I don’t know how to relate. I’ve improved at feigning interest over the years but that isn’t a true connection. I toggle between two worlds. The first is my internal one which is enjoyable but lonely. The second is where everyone else lives but feels very foreign. I’ve thought about abandoning my hobbies in search of those that would bring me closer to my peers. Whenever I have gotten close to making this choice, I can never do it because it feels like a betrayal of myself. I’ve come to realize that even if no one else is interested in what makes my heart sing, what matters is that it makes me happy. I know my life is richer for engaging in the topics I’m interested in. 

I have had to resist the lure of feeling superior because I know more about a topic than those around me. I know the desire to lord my knowledge over others is simply the outgrowth of a maladaptive coping mechanism that is trying to protect me from the copious rejection and ridicule I’ve experienced in my life. I am no better or worse for knowing Richard the Third probably had his nephews killed. I am just myself.