Most Wonderful Time of the Year?

The holidays can be a stressful and confusing time, especially when it comes to understanding traditions that don’t make sense to me. As I’ve grown older, my appreciation for the season has increased, but some customs, especially those unique to my family, still puzzle me. My purpose here is to share observations and seek insight from neurotypical readers about these traditions and why they are enjoyed.

    Building on that, my first observation is that no one in my family seems to like the start and end times for events. I remember, as a child, asking what time everyone would arrive and leave. My parents would look at me like I’d sprouted feathers. There was always a time “they were asked to arrive by”. Very few ever arrived on time, and there was never any end time. Five hours later, the adults would be nursing a second cup of decaf and just getting into the political discussions. I know I am a fast eater, but in what world does it take anyone five hours to complete a three-course meal? I want to be clear, I love my extended family. I have many happy memories with them over the years, and I’ve learned a lot from them, both collectively and individually. This does not mean I have the bandwidth to spend hours upon hours on end in their company. I am extremely sensitive to noise, and several of my family members have trouble regulating their volume. After two hours, I’m ready to have some peace. I am a firm believer that being clear is being kind. Set expectations on the front end so people know what to expect.

    Related to these unwritten social rules, I read a blog post by someone on the spectrum that touched on my next thought about presents. Sometimes, people encourage me to figure out what they would like as a gift, noting that I’ve known them for years and should know their preferences. To make gift-giving more enjoyable for everyone, I’ve started asking for specific suggestions. This way, I can ensure that the gift is something you’ll enjoy, and it saves us both the trouble if the item isn’t quite right. If you like surprises, a list of several options works well—being specific really helps. I love using the Amazon Wishlist for this.

    Shifting gears a bit, there is no correct way to celebrate the holidays. Just because one family has hosted year after year doesn’t mean that family should or will continue to host for years to come. Just because you’ve always eaten the same food on Christmas Day, that is likely to change over the years. What I would advise is that before changing traditions, be sure everyone has been included in the decision to the best of your ability. My family had a tradition of going out to a certain restaurant every year. A few years ago, everyone else decided they wanted something different. I found out when my mom and sister arrived with takeout and declared this was what was for dinner. I’m going to be honest and say I did like the place we went to traditionally. What made me angry wasn’t that we were eating different food, but that no one told or even asked me. It would’ve been helpful to look at the menu and decide what I would’ve liked to eat. Instead, food appeared. I couldn’t eat for a host of sensory reasons, and my family was exasperated with me. I ask that you let me know when plans change so I can adjust accordingly.

    In light of these experiences, the holidays are a great time to focus on controlling your own environment and creating a safe space for yourself. Prioritize self-care by taking walks and resting as needed. This approach helps you enjoy the holidays more fully.