Mother’s Day Reflections

It was a few months ago that I was overwhelmed with tears. It was a Friday night, and I was alone in my apartment with my cat. I wanted to be holding a baby. My baby. It was as if a storm of yearning had overcome me with the suddenness of a summer tornado. As I cried and couldn’t sleep that night, I didn’t understand why I was so upset. I knew I was in a loving relationship, I still am, and we plan to have children in the future. I’ve been closer to children in the past year through my romantic relationship and volunteer opportunities than I have in years. Most of the time, these interactions and relationships help me be patient while I wait to have a child of my own, but that night, it seemed to be the source of pain. I talked to my partner, and we have a timeline for having kids. In the meantime, I have poured my essence into developing my professional skills and writing projects. Talking to my therapist has also been invaluable. She shared her own story of having a child, and her professional goals took longer to reach. The attitude I have taken is I’m trying to be as productive and accomplish as many other goals as possible so that when I do have a baby, I can spend as much time in the early years not feeling like I have to go back to other projects if I’m too busy. I’m in the midst of wrapping up a writing project that I started over a year ago. I have three chapters and an epilogue left to write, which has kept me incredibly busy. There’s another writing project waiting for me once the current one is wrapped up.

As Mother’s Day comes next weekend, I think about the women whose journeys to motherhood have been perilous and difficult. My mother has often retold the story of her first pregnancy, mine. She first had a threatened miscarriage while going to a movie, which led to her being put on bed rest for the remainder of my gestation. This was followed by a rare type of preeclampsia that led to an emergency C-section. I was safely brought into the world, and she went on to have two other uneventful pregnancies without complications. I am also thinking of the women who desperately want to be mothers, but for whatever reason, it remains out of reach. Infertility is increasingly common and a source of much heartache. The emotional and physical toll of going through all that IVF entails, the financial strain, and the disappointment of not having a baby at the end of it are all part of the struggle. Some people find IVF out of reach due to a lack of financial resources. Motherhood is often deemed a near-universal experience, but as a society, we usually don’t talk about the pain and suffering it can take to attain. Just as the beauty and wonder of bringing life into this world is commonly discussed, it should be just as accessible to discuss the difficulties with doing so. In finding community with those who share similar struggles, the burden often grows lighter.

Another thing I’m keeping in mind and very grateful for this Mother’s Day is all the female people and figures who have played nurturing and caretaking roles in my life. I’m grateful for the neighbors, grandmothers, etc. When I was in the first half of elementary school, my dad cut his fingers open while trimming a bush that was on the side of the house. I was over at a neighbor’s house, a lady in her seventies who was one of my best friends growing up. She would let me help her refill her bird feeder, play with her dog, and play with the doll house she had built for her daughters upstairs, and it was generally just a very safe, loving place for me to spend my days. Another neighbor had hummingbird feeders, which I thought were so fascinating because instead of bird seed, you filled them with sugar water. We would drink iced tea, and she would tell me about the motorcycle road trips she and her husband would take. As I got older, the neighbors would move away for various reasons, and I would get to know my friend’s moms.

I struggled with anxiety a lot as a young child. I could be roller skating or at a sleepover; it didn’t matter. I would feel my best tightening and try to seek relief. I would often find solace by asking for advice from the available adults. Some were more patient than others. This is not to mention the countless youth group volunteers, my college job manager, and the many other women who have provided guidance, wisdom, and soothing throughout the years. Reflecting on Mother’s Day this year, I’m grateful for all the women who have poured into me over the years. For the women who long to be mothers, I see you and I acknowledge your pain and longing. May we all have someone in our lives whom we can be grateful for and thank for helping us along the way.