Finding Love Beyond My Boundaries: Dating with Kids

  I was sure I would not change my mind on a few things growing up that followed me to adulthood. The last vestiges of my closed-mindedness were my refusal to date someone who was already a parent. Deciding who to date and how to date is a very personal decision; I do not pretend to know what is best for anyone besides myself, so the following analysis and feelings are solely my own. Growing up I idolized my parents’ relationship. They had met gotten married and had children in that order. They still have a very content and healthy marriage today, and I wanted something similar to what they share. I assumed that to have a loving healthy relationship, I should do things like my parents did them. For most of my dating life, I have only dated people who are not already parents. I had an almost rational fear of having to constantly interact with the ex because there was a child involved. We all like to pretend when we are dating someone that they don’t have a past. It’s easier if they start existing in romantic relationships once they meet us. It’s one thing to know that your current partner has dated people in the past, and it’s another to be routinely reminded that they had a whole life before you. I viewed any child they had as a consistent and constant reminder that they had already started building a family and a life before they met me. Flash forward to the beginning of last year, which was a healthy spring. I jumped back into the online dating pool after having been in a relationship for a year and a half. My goal was to meet new people and find my footing again after such a challenging experience as an 18-month relationship ended.

      I was back on the apps and single for about 3 months with someone I had a long common with. We discovered that we had mutual friends and acquaintances who shared similar hobbies. I had failed to notice on his profile that he had listed having a child. I saw the little label that says he has kids on the app, but for some reason, I thought that meant he was open to dating someone already a parent. My error in reading his profile was highlighted not long into the conversation. I momentarily thought of unmatching him because he didn’t meet the criteria I had previously followed. Still, the conversation was delightful, so I decided to give it a chance and see what would happen. We had our first date at the end of June 2024 and are still dating. I have since met his child, and it is a delight to spend time with him. It’s been heartwarming to witness someone I’m in love with parenting and doing an excellent job as a parent. There was a brief one-year period post-autism diagnosis when I wasn’t sure if I wanted children and then a few years ago I went back to being very confident that I did want children. After coming back full circle to the realization that I wanted to be a parent, I needed to find someone who likes children, is good with children, and wants to be involved. As a woman, I know that most domestic and parenting responsibilities and work fall under women. I have prioritized finding someone who would share in that work.

By dating someone already in the throes of parenthood, I’ve seen how my boyfriend is in the trenches. I have been impressed with everything I have seen so far, and there is another set of joys I had not expected. I am lucky to spend time with my boyfriend’s child. I’ve been included on trips to the park and Macdonald’s playground, gone for walks, and played with toys on the floor. It’s wonderful to see the world through the eyes of a child. Everything is exciting and new to them. They are learning about themselves and the world in real time. This child shares my affinity for the outdoors, and I enjoyed sharing that passion with them. We’ve even seen a large alligator snapping turtle at a safe distance on one of our walks. Getting to know the children for themselves has been excellent, and they have given me a new level of confidence as I look forward to motherhood in the long term. 

       I haven’t spent much time around young children since I was a teenager, babysitting for a few hours at a time. Spending time around a small child as an adult who is more confident in oneself is a different feeling. My boyfriend and his child have helped me feel confident that I will be prepared when motherhood arrives.