Rupture and Repair: Strengthening Family Bonds

My immediate and maternal extended family just got together for the largest holiday meal in years. People who hadn’t been able to attend due to family tension in decades past were back at the table. Another family member had almost moved out of state but had decided to stay close to us. I felt very grateful to have everyone at the same table and for the feeling of togetherness I hadn’t felt in a while. As I looked around the table, it struck me how many people had set their differences aside to eat together and celebrate the holidays. I never expected some individuals sitting at that table to be in the same room again.
I’ve been thinking a lot about my family lately. It’s often been said that we can’t choose the family we’re born into, blood is thicker than water, and if you’re familiar with the TV show The Middle, Frankie Heck will often retort when her kids are complaining about visiting their Aunt Edie, ” You do for family.” I’ve written before about the pitfalls of following this creed when the family member in question causes you harm. I have been thinking about how family represents what makes life worth living. I am referring to love and finding love within a community. Family is the first community we learn to exist within, for better or worse. Our identities, communication skills, etc., come from our interactions with our families of origin most often.
I have been reflecting specifically on how rupture and repair are frequently used in good, healthy families. Therapists might have their definition of rupture and repair, but in my mind, it means this. Two individuals have a rupture in their relationship, something that causes distress, harm, or damage. This is the rupture. The next step is recognizing that there has been a change in the relationship that either party doesn’t desire, and both individuals work to find ways to repair the relationship. Repair can involve apologizing, making a kind gesture, or spending quality time with the person. Growing up, ruptures in relationships were very distressing. When I didn’t see eye to eye with my parents, siblings, or another loved one, my world was thrown into turmoil. If we disagreed, how could we be close? What did this mean for my relationship with that person? I didn’t have the maturity to disagree with someone and not feel threatened by that.
Over time, my anxiety lessened when I disagreed with family members. The measure of a good family was the ability to navigate conflict and quickly arrive at a happy equilibrium, which is what I thought in my youth. After completing the rupture and repair process many times with different family members, I have come to a different conclusion. The desire to repair relationships when and where possible makes a family good and healthy. I had a conflict with a family member for a few months a few years ago. The days stretched one longer than the one before the other. I wanted the warm, loving connection we’d shared before the fissure had appeared in our relationship. I cried and cried. In my mind, I had tried everything to repair the damage, but nothing had worked. After two months, I cried uncle. I had been high on self-righteousness and convinced of my moral superiority in the matter at hand. All of that was hollow. I called my loved one and asked if we could meet for a meal. We exchanged apologies over a few hours, leaving the restaurant in a much better place. This relationship has continued to improve.
This holiday season, if there are relationships that can be mended, I hope we will endeavor to do so. Hope and empathy are vital for survival.