Navigating Grief and Gratitude This Thanksgiving

I felt a bit sad this Thanksgiving and couldn’t pinpoint what it was. It could have been the nausea from the drive to my grandmother’s house. It could have been the sensory overload of sitting in grandma’s living room and periodically stepping outside for fresh air. On my second time outside, a memory popped into my head—looking through a sliding glass door and watching squirrels eat food placed on a concrete slab right outside the door. Had it been at this house? I carefully made my way down the hill covered in leaves to the backyard, where there was the sliding glass door. At that moment, I realized that this specific house had been a part of my life since I was born. I met my paternal grandfather here and shared memories with my grandmother, and this house has been a commonality in my life as I have gone from newborn to twenty-nine years old. In going into the backyard and looking for the sliding glass door, I realized this was a metaphor for how sad I was about the holidays. I go into the holidays looking to experience the highs of what I experienced as a child, teenager, and then college student.
I often want to feel uplifted and happy after leaving a holiday celebration. My grandmother had a stroke a few years ago and has been slowly slipping away. She is not the same person she was before the stroke, and I miss the person she was before the stroke happened. I am aware that the fact she is still alive is a blessing, and I am grateful that she has been able to live for so many years.
While I am grateful for the time I have had with my grandmother, spending time with her can be painful. I remember the conversations we used to have and how our relationship used to be. Reaching for what used to be present and being sad when it’s not there anymore is something that I have been struggling with this holiday season. As I struggle with this, I practice gratitude and be present in my current moment. Each holiday is different in some way than the one that came before it. As much as I want to stop time and replicate the positives of the past, that is just not possible. It’s okay to grieve what used to be, and it’s important not to stay in that state because I don’t want to miss the positives today offers. My relationship with my grandmother represents the best of what family can be. A loving group of people you have shared experiences with who do not abandon you in your time of need. Even though she can’t carry a conversation like she used to and it can be painful to spend time together, we continue to show up and visit after the visit because that’s what family does in the best of times.
We also continue to show up because of the kind of person she was and is.

Whenever I was struggling with my mental health, she was always supportive and ready to lend an ear when I needed to talk. She helped me develop a love of books by giving us the most beautifully illustrated and engaging children’s books. She has always been a generous, hardworking, funny, and loving person. I am so grateful that I have had her as my grandmother and can continue to spend time with her. Holding grief and gratitude together is what I aim to do this holiday season.