Mindfulness for the Holidays

I’ve heard a saying I agree with: “Expectations are resentments waiting to happen.” I have often gone into family gatherings, milestones, social events, etc., with specific expectations of what I want to get out of them. These could revolve around how I expected someone to respond, the emotions I wanted to feel, or the environment I wanted. The holidays are expected to be joyous, and I always struggled with them growing up. I never felt the overwhelming joy that I thought I was supposed to. There would be a flood of endorphins right before Christmas morning, and then I would feel like I was having a hangover once I’d opened my gifts. I didn’t know what a hangover was as a child, but I would go from having euphoric levels of anxiety/ excitement to it all being over and feeling almost depressed. I expressed this feeling as disappointment with my gifts one year, which my parents considered ungrateful. From their perspective, they had put a lot of effort into the gifts for my siblings, and I complained that it was not a welcome contribution. As a child, I started to dread the holidays because of all the loud people descending on our house during Thanksgiving and then the emotional rollercoaster that would occur less than a month after Christmas.

My mental illness was always present at the holidays, especially when I was in college. I didn’t have any coping skills, and the dread of being around so many people would lead to meltdowns where I was sobbing on the floor, and my parents would just look at me and each other, wondering, “What is going on with this one?” As I got older and my mental illness became more pronounced, my parents started taking my dread of the holidays more seriously. My mom scaled back hosting, and they would adjust their plans to try to help me manage my anxiety. No one knew I needed more support, help, and guidance than my parents could give me. Several years later, I would be assisted in sorting out my holiday blues through years of therapy. I have been in therapy off and on for a decade now. Not every therapist has been beneficial, but on the whole, I would say therapy is what has allowed me to function as well as I do today and cope with the stressors of everyday life. I would highly recommend finding a GOOD therapist for anyone struggling with mental illness, especially around this time of year. When looking for a therapist, it’s important to consider their qualifications, experience, and treatment approach. It may take some trial and error, but finding the right therapist can make a significant difference in managing your mental health during the holidays.

Now that I have explained my long and complicated history with the holiday season, let’s return to the idea that expectations are resentments waiting to happen. It has helped me tremendously to tailor my expectations. I overcommunicate with my parents about their holiday plans. I ask them who they are inviting so I can plan accordingly or ensure I have specific coping strategies preplanned. For instance, if I know a particular family member’s behavior triggers my anxiety, I make sure to have a safe space or activity planned. I ask what food they are providing so I can bring something, and also, if there is nothing I can eat, I can prepare something I can eat. I also communicate with my folks about what I can realistically do during the holidays. I am not happy to spend seven hours socializing. I’m done after two and a half. I’m happy to bring a dish, but don’t expect me to sit at the table while Uncle So and So rant about politics. I have also released myself from any expectations regarding what it means to be a good family member. Growing up, it was drilled into me that you put up with any range of unpleasant behaviors because they’re family ho-hum. I don’t do that as an adult. If you’re going to be toxic, I will remove myself from the situation, and I am not less of a good person for doing so.

Not only have I freed myself from expectations during the holiday season, but I have also freed my loved ones from them. I am no longer angry with so-and-so for hosting a large group. That’s great for them, but I won’t be attending. My boundaries and wellness are not predicated on someone else making good choices. Do what brings you joy this holiday season and say falalala to what doesn’t.