Facing the Vacation

 For the first time in over a year, I have had a full week off from work. It came at a very opportune time, as I was starting to imagine what it might be like to permanently fade into my office chair and cease to exist. Since it has been a while since I had been on vacation, I didn’t remember the importance of communication before going on an overnight stay. 

      A difficulty I have faced since childhood is that I love being around the people who are nearest and dearest to me, and then there reaches a point where I start to become highly dysregulated. It can feel like electricity travels up and down my body, and I can’t get it out of my system. I become more easily irritable and not as patient, and becoming a hermit who lives on a mountainside and communes with nature becomes infinitely more appealing. Since getting my diagnosis and traveling with and without family as an adult, I have become more aware of what I need to stay regulated and enjoy my travels. I just remembered the importance of having alone time and communicating that need to my travel companion this vacation. I was having so much fun on this vacation that it got to day three, and I’d had very little alone time except for sleeping. We were walking in the downtown area we were exploring, and I felt that unpleasant buzz sweeping through my body. I knew then I had gone too long without regulating myself. My friend was very understanding, and I took about 2 hours by myself, which revived me and allowed me to enjoy the rest of our time on vacation together. 

     I’ve traveled with other friends in the past, and I have experienced the same unpleasant feelings when I couldn’t spend time alone. It has been challenging on past trips to find a way to spend time alone, especially when sharing a hotel room with someone. The guilt sets in as soon as I start feeling irritated about not being alone. I’m not sure why, but I often have intrusive thoughts on vacation: if you don’t always want to be around someone, you don’t enjoy spending time with them. This emotion is especially present when I don’t get to spend a lot of time around said individual. I want to be sure that I get as much quality time with them as possible, and if they have put in the time to spend with me, I don’t want to come across as disrespecting that effort. As I have gotten older, it has become much easier to advocate for what I need, especially on a trip. My family and friends have been very understanding and accommodating when I need alone time. There is not a lot that I would do differently if I redo this vacation. 

      If anything, I would have discussed my need with my friend for alone time before it became apparent, and I would have built it into my schedule so that I was refreshed throughout the vacation and not dysregulated. Traveling and enjoying time off looks different for everyone. To enjoy traveling and do it successfully, I thought my excursions had to look similar to those of my neurotypical counterparts. It may come with experience or being in the last year of my twenties, but I am no longer interested in replicating what works for others when it does not work for me. There are so many wonderful experiences that I used to think were not something I could do because I know or knew I would have to do it differently than a neurotypical individual. As I travel more widely, I aim to focus on what I know will work best for me and allow me to have the best experience possible. Whether that means taking a nap in the middle of the day, taking a 2-hour break from the group to reset, or not going swimming at a famous Beach because I don’t like my skin getting wrinkly, there is no wrong way to experience respite or enjoy a good vacation. Coming up on this blog, I will discuss my new hobby of sending postcards and reviewing the places I visited on vacation. Please stay tuned.