Being Open to Change

Ask anyone currently trying to date in the swamp that is dating apps, and you’ll be told I’m sure how difficult it is and the innumerable challenges dating in the modern age presents. As I mentioned a few months ago, I went through a breakup and was tentatively dipping my toe back in the proverbial dating pool. Something I decided to be open to this time with dating was pushing against my self-imposed “standards” that might be getting in my way. One of the traits that I desired was superficial. I had avoided dating wheelchair users. I didn’t and don’t have anything against anyone who is physically disabled. I was more concerned with whether this person could be an active co-parent; how would they join me in my hobbies that might not be as accessible to someone in a wheelchair? The individuals who allowed me to push against my own internalized ableism and be open to dating someone who rolls instead of walks would be the individuals who are creators and hosts of the YouTube channel known by the names of Squirmy and Grubs. 

I started following their content in college due to pure curiosity. I hadn’t ever seen someone who used a motorized wheelchair be in a healthy romantic relationship, probably because I haven’t spent a lot of time around physically disabled people since high school, and I was curious what, if anything, would be different in their relationship. I noticed a few things that differed from the relationships I had been in. Hannah, I believe she is Squirmy, and she had to do all the driving as Shane can’t drive. When they would go out to eat, she would feed Shane. Beyond her assisting him with some of his daily living activities, I didn’t notice anything different from any other healthy romantic relationship. This is a revelation, and I learned it the more I watched their content. I’m still an occasional consumer of their content. I am forever grateful that their content spurred onward and pushed me to examine my own biases and assumptions about people I hadn’t spent a lot of time with. 

Examining my own beliefs, biases, assumptions, etc, is something I’ve tried to do as I’ve gotten older. Sometimes, this process leads to me changing where I stand on a particular issue; sometimes, I come back to what I believed at the beginning of my thoughtful pondering. As a teenager and young adult, I thought of the world in very black-and-white terms. If someone didn’t agree with me, I would feel a wave of discomfort and anxiety. To be fair to my younger self, I often had these waves of discomfort and anxiety, even if no one else was involved. Anything I deemed as confrontation did seem to spike these feelings of fear, but my point was that anyone I interacted with didn’t cause those negative feelings; they were a product of my psychological state at the time. As I have gotten older, met more people, and experienced hardships myself, I have realized the world is much more complicated, and many of the beliefs and behaviors that had served me as a child and teenager no longer do so. I would encourage anyone to spend time periodically examining their own beliefs. As an autistic individual, I often wanted to cling to certain beliefs and structures, so I would feel more secure in a world that usually felt very insecure and chaotic.

If you are an autistic individual like myself, I’m sorry to say that most security we get from viewing the world as black and white is an illusion. It’s good to have values and beliefs that guide our lives, but just because we have those doesn’t mean we’re going to avoid pain or that we are correct. When I spoke to my fellow autistic adults who want to pursue a romantic relationship, I noticed that there are often particular qualifications someone would have to possess to be deemed worthy of dating. I’ve heard that the person one dates should share the same hobbies, be very conventionally attractive, etc. What if they meet someone who doesn’t share the same hobbies as they do but they get along well with? The question I have often pondered regarding myself is, what limiting beliefs have I held onto have prevented me from reaching my goals sooner than I could have surrendered long ago? I know most people have nonnegotiables. Knowing what is important to you is, indeed, a key part of knowing one’s self. I think they are often on the deal-breaker list, characteristics that, if we closely examine, aren’t actually deal-breakers; they are nice-to-haves. 

By being open to dating those who have children and are physically disabled, I expanded my dating pool and met some nice individuals. Being open to change means we’re less likely to miss out on positive experiences.