Changes Keep Happening

There’s been a lot of transition in my life lately. Besides navigating some tricky personal issues, I’ve also gotten a new job recently. Both sets of changes occurred at the same time, and I felt as though I was becoming unmoored and the ground beneath my feet was constantly shifting. It hasn’t felt that way for me for a long time. In the past when I’ve felt that way, I’ve relied on food to stabilize me. I made a concerted effort during this season of life to not rely on food and to make sure I was sleeping as much as I needed to in order to function well. It was not easy to resist my old habits. There were many moments where I wanted to be asleep with pizza being delivered into my veins through an IV drip. When I had those feelings, I tried to either go to the gym, spend time with loved ones, or journal. It’s so difficult to create new coping mechanisms. I was terrified I was going to relapse into my eating disorder and I wanted to do everything I could to prevent that. 

Quitting my old job so that I could start my new one was bittersweet. As I have chronicled on this blog, my experiences with employment haven’t always been positive. At the position I just left, I had been bullied and not always treated kindly. Those coworkers had long departed before me, and my more recent coworkers were much kinder and very understanding of the challenges that my autism can throw in my path. I also have them to thank for enormous professional and personal development. They had become my friends and I joked with one of my coworkers that she was my “work mom”. I even got her a mother’s day present this past year. This was also the first job where I hadn’t needed to leave and find something else due to performance issues. I do believe that my professional issues at previous jobs were due to my autism and being successful at the job had been a great boost to my self esteem. I did the responsible thing and worked my two weeks notice. My last day was emotional. I was given a card, a cake, and a candybar. It felt very strange packing up all my belongings and walking out to my car with everything. It still felt like I would be returning to that office the following week to work for a few days. I know that this change is necessary and is a positive experience, but it doesn’t mean that it’s not without some loss.

I am grateful for the lessons I learned at my previous position. I would say the first and most important lesson was how to be assertive and advocate for myself. I learned that I don’t have to sit quietly while I’m verbally abused by anyone. I learned how to respectfully confront those who are being disrespectful. Learning how to do such is an essential skill in all areas of life and I’m glad that I gained improved communication skills. The second lesson or skill I should say is how to communicate in general more effectively. When I started in patient access, I didn’t make eye contact on a regular basis with patients I was talking to. After it was pointed out to me that I wasn’t making eye contact, I made an effort to make eye contact with a patient at least once per interaction. At first it was a lot of work and very stressful trying to remember, but eventually it became something that I didn’t even have to think about. I still don’t enjoy making eye contact, but I’ve come to realize it’s a courtesy I should do my best to give to someone I’m having a conversation with. The third lesson I learned at my prior job was that you can be compassionate without shouldering someone else’s suffering. For a long time I thought in order to care about the pain someone else was going through I had to internalize and shoulder their pain to be compassionate and empathetic. I learned at that position, how to have boundaries when others have big emotions. 

I’m not sure long term what my career aspirations will be. I still want to work in healthcare and I enjoy messing with data, but long term I’m not sure what I’m going to do. The allure of graduate school still calls to me from time to time, but we shall see what the future holds.