I’ve been thinking about excuses lately. Specifically, I’ve been thinking about excuses for bad behavior. A good example of this, as with many other signs of dysfunction in life, is where I work. People often call me and my coworkers “girls” and use endearing terms such as “dear”, “honey”, et cetera. I’ve heard people excuse homophobia as just the generation that older bigoted individuals belong to isn’t capable of change.

I’ve been thinking about why such excuses are utilized, especially for older people of a different generation. The conclusion I’ve come to is that it’s a matter of simplification for the sake of ease of mind. When we excuse poor behavior in anyone and use age as an excuse, we’re being lazy ourselves and permitting laziness in the other person. Being lazy and avoiding conflict are two things we humans are far too excellent at.

Something we’ve lost the concept of as a society is asking and, at times, requiring our neighbors to treat us and others with respect. Instead of inviting a person practicing bigotry, hatred, or ignorance into a space where they can grow into a better person, we grit our teeth and ignore the gross feeling that overcomes us in those moments. I’m not arguing that we should confront every bigot and idiot on the street; doing so wouldn’t be safe and realistically wouldn’t lead to productive conversations. I do believe, though, that there’s an argument to be made that holding our loved ones accountable and not tolerating toxicity from them can lead to the biggest changes. I’ve confronted people when they say hurtful things, and I also walk the fine line at work of not confronting people when they say things that I find deeply upsetting.

I’ve had people make racist, xenophobic, and otherwise awful comments in my presence, and I’ve just swallowed my rage because I need a job and the health insurance my job provides. I question if I’m standing up for what I believe in if I don’t confront every comment that illustrates the deep issues that create fissures in our world. I have also found that all I can control is myself and that, when people act in a hateful way, the most powerful thing I can do is to keep acting kindly towards everyone and doing what I can do to make the world a better place. The actions I take aren’t huge, life-changing choices. I choose to pick up trash on the floor at my gym. I regularly visit an old woman who is a relative of a church member. I even try to bake for my coworkers when I can to make their day better. 

I could easily make excuses for myself that picking up that trash isn’t my job, that visiting one lonely person won’t solve the loneliness epidemic, et cetera. I want to constantly strive to be a better person and challenge the biases that lurk in the corners of my brain. I do this because I want people to challenge their biases and make the world better. If everyone leaned towards extending kindness and grace, it would solve a lot of problems we currently have. 

Excuses don’t serve the person using them, and they don’t serve those who accept them either. If we allow people to treat others with disrespect and cruelty, are we not condoning that behavior? I’m reminded of a saying in regard to evil, that it only requires good people to do nothing. Doing nothing and accepting excuses is how atrocities have occurred throughout human history and how countries wake up to realize they no longer recognize themselves. We must push ourselves to be better individuals and our society as well. If we continue to allow people to treat those they view as less than others, we will all pay a price eventually. We all at some point will fall into a marginalized group, a group that those in power or the majority will deem as not as valuable. If standing up for your fellow man because it’s the right thing to do isn’t enough motivation, then doing it so that you have allies on your side to stand up for you when you are downtrodden should be. The words of Pastor Martin Niemöller illustrate this predicament best:

First, they came for the socialists, and I did not speak out—

      Because I was not a socialist.

Then they came for the trade unionists, and I did not speak out—

      Because I was not a trade unionist.

Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out—

      Because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for me—and no one was left to speak for me.