Making Peace

I work in what I would categorize as a high-stress environment. I work where I am required to multitask and have good customer service skills. I would like to remind all of you, dear readers, that the neuropsychologist who diagnosed me with autism suggested I find a job that is the exact opposite of what I have now. The irony that I was drawn to jobs that required strong social skills when that is not a strength of mine is not lost on me. My parents tried to guide me gently with career suggestions. My mom suggested that I work in a lab at a hospital. My dad suggested something similar, my mom also thought I should work as a vet tech. I stumbled into my current employment situation because I needed insurance and it was the first full-time offer that was given. 

I’ve gotten better at my current job over time. I have wonderful coworkers and the majority of my interactions are pleasant. It still has stressful moments because many people aren’t at their best when they go to the doctor and there can be other logistical nightmares. I used to allow myself to be swept up in whatever situation was in front of me. I would be overwhelmed by the suffering that surrounded me daily. This issue started back when I was working in memory care and watching people die regularly. It’s taken a long time to work through the trauma of watching people die and realize that I must have boundaries to stay well. Taking on the suffering of those around me and carrying it around like bricks in a backpack didn’t help anyone. I wanted to be able to solve whatever situation was causing them pain, but I couldn’t do so. Feeling powerless is very hard. Thinking that inflicting suffering on myself would somehow help subconsciously must’ve seemed less scary than truly realizing that there was very little I could do. I started employing boundaries and self-care, which has helped immensely.

I do my best to give each patient I see my undivided attention while I’m helping them. Once they walk out my door, I release myself from worrying about them. If I start to fret, I remind myself that there’s going to be someone else who needs my attention and they deserve the same kind of effort that the previous patient received. This has helped me stay grounded and sane when things at work do get crazy. I also think I was so invested in work because my personal life was barren. I’ve made a great effort to spend my free time with people I enjoy being with and doing things I enjoy. I’m in a much better place than I was a year or even six months ago. I’m grateful for the progress I have made. This is not to suggest that I still don’t struggle sometimes. 

There will be moments where I hear a noise and am taken back to a patient yelling for help or I’ll see the face of someone I helped care for in their final days. In those moments, which are the hardest, I remind myself they are no longer suffering and are okay wherever they are. I can feel guilty for not thinking about them more and then I remember they’d want me to live a happy healthy life. I’ll always be grateful for the lessons they all taught me. I learned that family, chosen or blood, is one of the most important things in life. Enjoy what you have when you have it because life can change suddenly. Stay in the present, because that’s all we have, after all.