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To my dear friends Nimona and The Witch of Blackbird Pond
It’s hard to know when the self-hatred started. Just like scientists point to a necessary set of events and chemicals for life to form on Earth, many elements set the stage for me to decide that I was the worst thing ever and needed constant reform. The religious environment I was raised in, especially in…
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Navigating Pain and Loss
I have yet to meet someone who is a fan of breakups. As someone who is now going through their fifth breakup, I would say I’m a fan of the growth and peace that is often on the other side, just not the pain and loss that always accompanies the first two. The relationship that…
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Employment Adventures
It’s been almost two months since I started my current job. This job has many of the qualities that I was looking for in a new position. I wanted to have my own space so that I could decompress if needed. I also wanted there to be clear performance metrics that I could ensure I…
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Community helped save me
I’ve been meditating on the importance of community lately. I keep seeing news stories that suggest we are in a loneliness epidemic and that it’s only getting worse. Pundits love to blame social media; I suppose pinning a single source for a problem must make them feel more at ease since it provides an easy…
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The importance of Grief
Grief is quite a stigmatized emotion in our society. Crying is something that we never quite know how to handle, even as adults. I have never known how to talk about the grief I feel and when it is appropriate to connect with others. Then I stumbled upon Anderson Cooper’s podcast, “All There Is.” I…
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Aftermath
I’ve been dealing with a great personal struggle as of late. I haven’t shared any details of this personal struggle, though, because it’s not my struggle to share. Recently a loved one of mine went through a significant mental health crisis. It’s been a month since the peak of that crisis, and I’m finding that…
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Changes Keep Happening
There’s been a lot of transition in my life lately. Besides navigating some tricky personal issues, I’ve also gotten a new job recently. Both sets of changes occurred at the same time, and I felt as though I was becoming unmoored and the ground beneath my feet was constantly shifting. It hasn’t felt that way…
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To Wine or not to wine?
I’ve recently picked up a new hyperfixation, special interest, hobby, or whatever term floats your boat. I went on a trip to California a few weeks ago to Napa Valley. While in Napa, my best friend and I attended a wine tasting. I was skeptical from the outset because I’ve never really enjoyed wine. I’ve…
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Excuses are no good
I’ve been thinking about excuses lately. Specifically, I’ve been thinking about excuses for bad behavior. A good example of this, as with many other signs of dysfunction in life, is where I work. People often call me and my coworkers “girls” and use endearing terms such as “dear”, “honey”, et cetera. I’ve heard people excuse…
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Reflections
Beige walls, gray floors, and tired faces: were what greeted me as I entered the hospital. Since I tried to kill myself recently, I had to be checked on every twenty minutes. Naturally, I didn’t sleep well at all that night. I woke up miserable the next day. My roommate hadn’t said a word to…
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The pressure to represent
The answer is yes! I often feel pressure to be on my best behavior so as not to reflect poorly on my demographic groups. I feel the most pressure to represent well when it comes to being a woman and an adult with autism. I feel pressure to represent the autistic community positively because I…
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Questions from the peanut gallery
I was wondering if there were any particular topics y’all would like me to cover or if you have questions related to what it’s like to be autistic that you would like me to answer? Please put suggestions in the comments!
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Data, data everywhere
I’ve been thinking about what makes a person pick a career. My journey to picking a job started when I was a child. I was very aware of my parents’ careers growing up. I knew my dad was a software engineer, and I knew my mom was a nurse. Sitting in front of a computer…
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Heartbreak
We were children when I fell in love with you You were the prettiest thing in the zoo that was middle school Never had I wanted something more than you I fell for you the very first time Those blue eyes had to be mine I clung to you because I had no one else…
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To Plan A Party
Am I the only one who likes to host parties? It would seem to be incongruent with who I am and how I move through the world, but don’t be mistaken, I like to throw a nice party. Don’t get me wrong, once the guest count rises over five or six, I’m overstimulated, but intimate…
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Autistic Barbie?
This weekend I finally saw the Barbie movie, and I have to say I was VERY impressed with the sense of humor that pervaded the entire film. I found myself laughing quite literally out loud a number of times in the theater. Beyond its laughs, it was also super creative with how it approached turning…
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Conference 2
I’ve recently returned from my second Southeast Adult Autism Conference, held annually in Chattanooga, Tennessee. My boyfriend and I attended as presenters this year, and I really enjoyed it. I definitely want to present in the future. Our presentation was about the seven pillars of self-care and how they relate to people with autism. We…
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Hi, my name is Ivy and…
I’ve been thinking about this post for a few months, and now I feel ready to openly discuss this. My name is Ivy and I’m learning how to be in recovery from an eating disorder. It’s been several months since I got my diagnosis and began treatment. I want to share my experience with my…
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The Crooked House
If you’ve been reading my blog recently, you will be familiar with my recent love affair with Agatha Christie. I recently read the book, “The Crooked House”. The book opens with our naive narrator, Charles Hayward. He has returned to England to propose marriage to the woman he fell in love with abroad. Sophia Leonides…
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Michael the Boyfriend
Introduce yourself to the readers: Howdy, everybody. My name is Michael and I am Ivy’s boyfriend! I’m a web developer by trade, and I’ve worked in other fields such as graphic design, video game design, education, and (like many others) retail. I also do creative stuff like painting digitally, drawing, and writing fiction and poetry.…
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Interviewing
As college graduates venture into the corporate world, many for the first time, I’ve been reflecting on my own interview experiences. I can’t remember the first time I interviewed for a job after college. I do remember going on what seemed to be endless interviews. One memory that sticks with me is being over twenty…
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The Incredibles
Recently I’ve been thinking about Brad Bird’s first film for Pixar “The Incredibles.” For those unfamiliar, the film follows a family of superhumans as they try to navigate normal suburban living while hiding their abilities. Growing up I loved this movie, and as I’ve gotten older my opinions on several scenes and themes have evolved.…
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Temple Grandin
I might be alone in this aversion, but as I’ve gotten older I’ve grown to dread phone calls (depending on the person, of course). If I know the person well (e.g. they’re family or a significant other) then I don’t dread it, but if it’s in a professional setting it drives my anxiety all the…
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When Women Wee Dragons
I recently came across a book called When Women Were Dragons. I’m not normally a fan of science fiction, but I was intrigued by the book’s premise. The synopsis described a “Mass Dragoning,” which is an event in the book wherein hundreds upon thousands of women transformed into massive dragons and flew away from their…
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Willow the Cat
It all started with a dog, believe it or not. There was a beautiful yellow lab and German shepherd mix at the animal shelter near where I was going to college. His name was Roy. I got so excited. I even contacted someone about purchasing a crate. Then I called my dad to share my…
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A Medieval Murder Mystery
Tale as old as time, the king dies, his brother kills his nephews to take the throne and is then killed himself. This is a story that has fascinated me for years. If you don’t know what I’m referring to, I’m referencing the disappearance of the princes of York who were sons of Edward IV…
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Autism is My Superpower
Autism is my superpower. I see patterns in the world others don’t. Where most see problems, I see opportunities and solutions. I welcome everyone because I know what it is not to be welcomed. When you give me the map of what you need, I’ll move the earth to make it happen. I know getting…
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Autism is my superpower
Autism is my superpower. I see patterns in the world others don’t. Where most see problems, I see opportunities and solutions. I welcome everyone because I know what it is not to be welcomed. When you give me the map you need, I’ll move the earth to make it happen. I know getting up is…
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Hyper Fixations in Isolation
My ability to dive into topics and stay interested for weeks or even months has been a mainstay of my personality since childhood. My first special interest was marine biology. Living at least five hours away from the beach made studying the ocean in person impossible. I settled for watching documentaries and going to the…
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At the Beach
I’ve been giving some thought to things I have said in the past I don’t like. I used to think that I didn’t like the beach. When I was a child my family and I frequently visited Sarasota in July to visit my uncle. It was always in the high nineties and the sand would…
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New Adventures
New adventures are always around the corner. I’ve spent the past year learning everything I can for a new career, moved out of the childhood home, and started a new relationship. Preparing for a new career has been a complex and tiring process. One part of that journey is about to come to an end.…
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Returning to Self
I woke up in the middle of a battlefield I didn’t know friend or foe Those who were supposed to be a friend turned foe and those who were foe turned friend I wasn’t sure how I ended up on my back covered in sweat, dirt, and blood All I knew is that I didn’t…
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Curiosity and the Cat
If you have met me in person, you know I’m a big proponent of the benefits of therapy. I started treatment when I was nineteen and I’ve gone off and on since then. I always viewed it as getting heavy emotions and experiences off my chest. I would leave sessions feeling unburdened, and lighter. Saturday…
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Who’s Your Hero?
I heard something recently from a guest who was on The Daily Show while Leslie Jones was guest-hosting. One of her guests said something that has stuck with me. He said that anxiety cannot exist where there is faith. One of his coping mechanisms, when he gets overwhelmed, is to tell himself what he called…
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Happy New Year!
I’ve been confronting a lot of uncomfortable emotions lately. I classify painful or unpleasant emotions as sadness, anger, disappointment, or anything else that accompanies a sad or disheartening experience. When I stopped relying on food to dull my feelings, I realized how much I’d been burying. Now that I feel these emotions, I’m trying different…
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Christmas Party
I attended my work Christmas party this past week. I haven’t been to a large number of holiday parties in my life and I wasn’t sure what to expect. The best parties I’d experienced up until this year were when I worked at Publix. The store manager would barbecue and we would have baking competitions.…
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My Review of Love on the Spectrum
I’m going to start this rant/review by saying that it’s been a while since I watched Love on the Spectrum. I thought this might be a good time for me to comment as I’m in a newish relationship. My opinion is not the only opinion of the Autism community on the show, these are simply…
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Final Bit of Healing
I recently started a regular meditation practice. When I say recent, i mean within the last week. I haven’t talked a lot about my eating disorder because I’ve felt a lot of shame. By avoiding thinking about the roots of my disordered eating, I avoided healing from it too. As an adult, I now realize…
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Power of Love
We are now in the throes of the holiday season and I’ve been meditating on the power of love. I don’t put much stock in the Hallmark version of the attachment. That version of love has always seemed too easy and too clean. It also never looked like the love I experienced. The love that…
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Most Wonderful Time of the Year?
It’s almost the most stressful time of the year (some people refer to it as wonderful). My relationship with the holidays has gotten much less hate and more love the older I’ve gotten. There are still a few traditions around the holidays that I don’t understand. If any of you neurotypical readers can explain them…
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Too Autistic???
I recently went on a date with someone who is also on the spectrum. The next day I was at work and I was sharing how the date went with my coworkers. One of my coworkers said, “Aww, you guys must get each other”. I thought that was a bit odd since there are people…
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I’ve been thinking about what I was taught as a child lately. My parents raised my siblings and me to be good people. We were taught right from wrong. We learned how to take care of ourselves in a basic sense. What I realized is that I never learned how to set boundaries with other…
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Choose to be Well
I have spent many hours analyzing how I could’ve handled situations better. This use comes from a place of self-loathing. I thought if I did enough analysis of myself, the parts that I don’t like would go away. Since I work in a job that is essentially customer service, I have seen the rainbow of…
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Life belongs to the brave
Last night’s sleep was filled with nightmares. I don’t normally have them. When I woke up this morning, I was so glad that I was in my bed and had to go to work. I have this dream that repeats whenever I’m obsessing over something. The dream is that I’ve gone through the crucible of…
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Changing Plans
I’ve been having an ongoing debate with myself for over a year now. I always thought I’d have kids. I can remember riding the bus home from school, daydreaming about the adventures my two kids and I would take. When I was younger, I only ever thought about the fun parts of parenthood and I…
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Unexpected Goodness
Some of the best things in life can’t be planned for. I’m someone who loves to have a plan, it soothes my anxiety and makes me feel like I have control in a world where so much of it seems out of control. I’m starting to find joy in unexpected places. I enjoy learning software…
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Confessions from the Psych Ward
It’s been three years since I spent a little over two weeks in two different behavioral health hospitals. I’m so grateful that I’m farther along on the journey to being healed and whole than I was back then. I’ve been thinking about the advice I’d give to myself and my family members with everything I…
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Let’s Talk About Sex
This is going to be a post where I’m going to be talking about my experience with physical intimacy relating to my ASD. If you are family or a close friend and do not want to know more, I advise you read no further. Those of you who are interested, feel free to continue reading.…
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Dating 101
I was talking to a friend last night and he compared dating to a foreign country where he didn’t understand the customs. I’ve been thinking a lot about how being on the spectrum has impacted my confidence when it comes to dating, especially as I’m re-entering the online dating sphere after a year of being…
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Dating Again
I’ve been learning a lot lately regarding facing head-on the things that intimidate me. I’ve realized that fearing conflict and difficult conversations suck more joy out of my life than actually having the difficult conversation. I’d say the most difficult thing I’ve done lately is re-entering the online dating world. I took some time to…
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Welcome back Jon Stewart!
We all have our shows, music, etc. that get us through dark times. We find corners of the internet that provide a reprieve from the suffering and struggles of our everyday life and world we live in. When I was a senior in high school, I was introduced to the Colbert Report. My AP Government…